Skill-less Professional

Tell me how you found my blog.

In regards to http://stephanielikesalpacas.tumblr.com/. Here is my story.

I was hunting alpacas in the Himalayas many years ago and after tumbling down a mountain while chasing a particularly large alpaca I stumbled upon a large circular metallic object. After investigating the object I deemed it to be a spaceship from another world, after several intriguing minutes the circular object opened up revealing some sort of laboratory.

I entered the space ship and accidentally pressed several buttons, large whooshing noises began to emit from several containers and smoke was spurting from various valves, I exited the space vessel as quick as I could. Upon looking back at the ship and the noises I could see several non-human shapes moving among the smoke.

I aimed my Alpaca-stopper 9000 at the shapes I could see that the shapes among the smoke were actually velociraptors. Several of the velociraptors saw me and launched themselves at me, I had to make a decision; run or fight, I decided run as there were far to many of them for me to fight on my own.

I began to run as fast as I could but as we all know velociraptors can run at a top speed of 64.37 kilometres per hour (40 miles per hour) while I could only run at the human top speed of 43 Kilometres per hour (27 miles per hour) (I’m actually surprisingly fit) so I knew that my initial distance advantage would soon mean nothing.

I could hear many of the velociraptors only mere meters behind me, I had no clues at what to do to save myself when SUDDENLY!

A rabid swarm of angry alpacas surged over the hills and began to charge the velociraptors!

I won’t bore you with the long and bloody battle but long story short I killed like… 50 velociraptors with my bare hands and like… Two with my Alpaca-stopper 9000 as the Alpaca-stopper 9000 is very ineffective against non-alpaca targets.

After the bloody battle the leader of the alpacas approached me and said; “We must stop the intergalactic menace that is the velociraptors.” (Himalayan alpacas can talk by the way). I fully agreed and began to consult with the head alpaca, according to him one out of every seven human beings is actually a velociraptor. These undercover velociraptors had become very active with the past two months, nearly all of them seemed to be massing in Nepal.

I and the alpacas agreed that we must travel to Nepal to destroy the velociraptor menace. I used my contact in the New Zealand Air Force to get me and the alpacas sheep blimps to use as transport to Nepal.

We arrived in Nepal with the week and were horrified to see that the entire population of Nepal was actually… VELOCIRAPTORS!

We landed in the capital of Nepal and were greeted with a fierce battle. We lost many good alpacas but eventually forced the velociraptors back.

We took refuge in a Buddhist temple and were safe for the rest of the day. Upon nightfall the light from the moon filtered through the windows to form a map, after reading the map we deduced that the map was guide to the lost mystical city and kingdom of Shambhala.

We memorised the map and fled the capital to find the mythical kingdom.

After many days travel I and my small remaining band of alpacas arrived at the top of a mountain. The entrance to the kingdom and city was supposed to be at the peak of the mountain. We were about to reach were the entrance was supposed to be when we saw them.

Every single velociraptor in the universe was at the base of the mountain and climbing.

We had to make a decision; enter the mythical pure land and have the velociraptors find it or set up several explosive charges and bring the entire snowy peaked mountain down upon the velociraptors.

Despite the prospect of entering the great city we decided that we must defeat the velociraptors once and for all. I ordered my friends in the Air Force to drop several tonnes of explosives on the mountain for us to use.

When the explosives arrived the velociraptors were halfway up the mountain, we had very little time until they were upon us. As I sorted through the bags of explosives I found several odd items; a flare gun, a laptop and a rose, I took all three of them just in case they became useful somehow.

As I turned to the head alpaca he said to me; “They will be upon us before we can set up the explosives, we need you to give us more time.”

I simply nodded and picked up the nearest object (The laptop) and charged the velociraptors.

As I charged the velociraptors I felt no fear, as I knew my fate, I would die defeating velociraptors and I could accept that.

I reached the velociraptors and used the laptop to viciously beat them back, I raged and fought for what seemed like hours but was only minutes.

As my strength drained and wavered I failed to block the jaws of a particular velociraptor, I thought I was done for, but then the leader of the alpacas appeared out of nowhere and took the bite that was meant for me.

As I watched that brave alpaca die I could hear the other alpacas charge the velociraptors, the charges had been set the mountain was about to explode and crush the velociraptors.

I waited… and waited… and just when I thought that the explosives failed…

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Snow and dirt avalanched down the mountain crushing me, all of the velociraptors and the remaining alpacas. I was buried beneath meters of snow but managed to climb through it all (Yes, I’m a badass like that). Upon reaching the top I could see no velociraptors, they were all finally gone.

I reached for my flare gun and fired it into the air, a lone New Zealand sheep blimp saw my flare and came down low to take me home.

As I waited I looked down at the laptop I had in my hand, the screen was cracked but I had accidentally opened Google chrome during the fight and typed into the URL bar was the URL; http://stephanielikesalpacas.tumblr.com/.

As I waited for the sheep blimp I observed the website and liked what was posted.

My browsing was interrupted as my ride home arrived. After a LOOOONG flight home I decided that I wanted to see my beautiful girlfriend, so I went to her house and gave her the rose from earlier (remember?). We kissed as the sun set and it was awesome.

THE END

(via blackholesandrevelanus)

Source: thequeenofslytherin